SOS jokes

Your momma's so fat, when she asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean.

The teacher told me to put my MP3 away, so I brought out my MP5. Now that bitch knows what not to tell me.

One day I had the munchies, so I ate a clock. It was very... time consuming.

So I'm a cow, guess what my dad thinks of that? He says I'm a loooosmer.

Yo mama's so stinky that whenever she walks into a building, the flies drop dead!

Yo mama so old that when she farts, she farts dust!

Son: Hey, Dad, why is my name Dick?

Dad: Oh, because a dick fell on you when you were born.

Son: Ohhhhh, so that's why I'm gay.

Little Johnny is walking around and peaks in his parents' room, catching them having sex, so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! We’re just uh, making cake,” and they send him away.

So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother’s room, so he walks in and catches his brother and his brother’s girlfriend having sex and then asks him “What are you guys doing?” and his brother yells “Get out! We're making cake!”

So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says “So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!” and she replies “OMG! How'd you know!?!?” and Johnny replies “Because, I licked the icing off the couch” ayyyyyy.

I was working at the bank today when an old lady came up to me and asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

Me and my mom order Chinese food.

My mom grabs the egg roll and starts licking it up and down and sucking on it in front of the Chinese delivery guy. I said, "Why are you doing that?" Then my mom says, "I love him a long time so we don't have to pay for the food."

Why are orphans so good at tennis?

Answer: Because they never knew what love was.

So there were three baby chickens and two mothers. The first baby said, "Why am I named Calf?"

And the mother said, "I f***ed a cow."

Then the second baby came up to its mother, and it said, "Why am I named B***h?"

And its mom said, "I f***ed a wolf."

And the final baby came to its mother and said, "Why am I named Orphan?" And because its mother wasn't there to see it, this is what I have to say: "Because you are one, you ducking hitch!!"

Why was the computer so good at golf? Because he had a hard drive.

Everybody loves "appreciation." So that's what I named my dick.

I drove past Wendy’s the other day. No other stores were open, so I asked, “Wendy’s openin’ then?”

Yo mama so fat, she the iceberg.

So a kid asks his dad, "Why was I born?"

The dad replies, "I thought that girl was dead!"

Yo mama so fat, Thanos had to snap twice.

Yo mama so short that when she plays mini golf, it's just called golf.

Yo mama so ugly that on Halloween she didn't get candy.