Performer jokes

Whenever the hungry cannibal performs amputations, he says,

"Thank you for your donation!"

Employer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: No, but I do a pretty good "Bohemian Rhapsody."

My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.

I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

I ran into a dwarf and he said: "Well, I’m not Happy."

Then which one are you?

  • 1

    • Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.

    Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."

    "Really?" asked a little girl.

    "I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."

  • 0

    • A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man's wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said:

    "I have good news and bad news."

    The wife said: "What's the good news?"

    "We managed to save his arm."

    "What's the bad news?"

    "We couldn't save the rest of him."

  • 2

    • How do you become with NATO? Promise no more world wars by secretly performing military practices behind their back.

    A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"

    Yo mama's so ugly, and her voice is so loud that The X Factor doesn't want or need her to show up to the performances when she sings.