Off jokes
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin' off.
Did you hear about the guy whose left side got cut off!
But he’s all right now.
A sheep, a snake, and a drum fell off of a cliff.
Baa- Dum- Tsss!
A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."
There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.
I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and everything was half off. I didn't know back to school sales had started already.
How do you keep a mute woman you've raped from telling on you?
By cutting off her fingers.
Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall, his mom did a terri-fried call.
He got hurt in a egg-cident, and it never got eggs-elent.
When the eggs-plant was over, he got told to use the mower.
It happened too fast, he watched the very last.
Next he died, eaten all fried.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
One screams when I peel its skin off.
What's worse than throwing a baby off a cliff?
Catching it with a pitchfork.
One day a boy asks his grandfather for some money, and the grandpa says, “Well, can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy replied, “No.” So the grandpa says, “Okay,” and leaves it at that and walks off.
A few years later, the boy asks his grandfather for some money again, and his grandfather once again asks, “Can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy proudly says, “Yes, it can.” To which the grandpa says, “Good, now go fuck yourself.”
How to decorate a wall:
Strip off the paper and original plaster.
Put on fresh plaster and wallpaper.
Paint it (if you want).
Send a bill to North America and wait patiently for a reply.
Did you hear about the guy that was cutting off people's feet and taking them?
It took my sole.
Why haven't they just tried turning Stephen Hawking on and off?
How do kill a redneck?
Wait until he is fucking his sister and take the brakes off his house.
What do they call me when I jack off?
Pulled pork.
Haven’t they switched him off and then back on yet?
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.
Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.
Have they tried switching him off and on again?
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she didn't have any arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Susie.