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No jokes

A cop stopped a guy for speeding.

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.

The cop said, "But there is no traffic."

And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

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    • Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?

    Because the sign says "No Tres passing."

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    • A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

    The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

    A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"

    "No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."

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    • "What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.

    "It means 'happy'," replied the father.

    "Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"

    "No, son, I have a wife."

    "I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."

    "Will that cure me?" the patient asks.

    "Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

    The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say."

    The doctor says, "Next, please."

    What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

    I don't know. He hasn't opened it yet.