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No jokes

My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."

A child was walking through the forest when a wolf jumped in front of him. The child saw that the wolf had no leg. He then became a terrorist and caused 9/11.

What does the child with no hands get for Christmas? Unknown. He hasn't opened it yet.

What does a homeless man in New York get for Christmas? Hypothermia.

Today, there was a big test for Little Timmy. During the test, Timmy had to take a really huge shit. So, he rushed to the bathroom. He took a while in there.

When he was done, he realized there was no more toilet paper left. Since there was nothing around him to use, the only thing he could do was wipe with his hand. His time in the bathroom was up, and he needed to finish that test! He didn’t have time to wash his hands. So, he hurried back. The problem was, the hand he wiped with was his right hand. He used his left hand to complete the test, which made him fail. When he got home, his mother was standing there crossing her arms. “Timmy, the teacher had called and said you wrote sloppy on your test. Why is that?” Timmy replied, “Oh, it’s because I caught a leprechaun with my right hand, but if I opened it, my classmates would scare him away, so I had to use my left.” Timmy’s mother glared at him with disbelief. “Timmy, I don’t believe you. Now open your hand!” Timmy did so and opened his hand. “See, mother? I said you’d scare the shit out of him!”

Man, don't you hate it when you hit a speed bump by an orphanage but then realize there's no speed bumps here...

A little boy was given a bicycle and a soccer ball for his birthday, but why was the little boy unhappy?

Because the little boy had no legs.

Papa: Johnny, Johnny.

Johnny: Yes, Papa?

Papa: Open wide.

Johnny: HAHAHA.

Papa: *unzips pants*

Johnny: *crying* No, Papa!

I was cooking eggs the other day. It was very egg-citing, although, I was exaggerating, but, if you think that wasn’t funny to you, then you’re hard-boiled. That’s all for today, yolks! So I said before several cats starting fighting, that sh*t was a catastrophe. These kittens were all like “You’ve gotta be kitten me.” Meanwhile, in the ocean, they just waved, see what I did there? You shore you didn’t? Oh, alright, that’s okay bud- I guess these ocean puns are too deep for you. No? Okay- but, you know why the skeleton was lonely, eh? Oh, cause he had no body. Why didn’t the skeleton ask the girl out? He didn’t have the guts. What did the skeleton do to his gf? He boned her. No? Alright. Those didn’t make you laugh? Maybe I should hit your funny bone.

Do you know why the Royal family can no longer play Monopoly?

How do you think Princess Diana died?

...Too soon?

  • 2

    • A friend texts to another:

    "Hey." They reply, "What's up?"

    The first friend then replies with a simple answer, "The sky!" But the other friend intervenes and says, "No, it's the ceiling!"

    To then the first friend finishes the greeting with, "Unless you're homeless or six feet under."

    Why did Sarah fall off the swings? Because she had no arms.

    Why couldn't she get up? Because she had no friends.

    I saw your mother get into a white Ford Taurus on the corner of Milton and Halliburton, and you're still trying to tell me she ain't got no job cause she "can't get a ride to work?"

    Person 1: Did you hear the joke bout 9/11?

    Person 2: No, but it'll probably crash and burn.

    Why did the researchers want all the shore birds high on marijuana?

    They wanted to leave no tern unstoned.

    Two mates walk into a bar.

    Mate 1: "Shit! Look at that spider over there!"

    Mate 2: "Whateverrrrrrr."

    Mate 1: "No, seriously, it's bloody massive!"

    Mate 2: "(Turns around) Shit, that's huge, I thought you were joking."

    Mate 1: "No, I'm Fred King, Jo King's brother ;-)"