No jokes

sans *a'm i pune*

*piris* no.

Everyone says "no homo," why do gays not say "no hetero?"

Playing a game called 7-Up.

Student: Why can't I use a pencil to tap their fingers?

Teacher: It's cheating!

Student: No! It's the object of the game.

Bully: "I bet your dick is so small when you look down in the shower you can't even see it."

Guy: "No, I see your sister's head."

So I asked a Chinese woman for her number, she said "sex, sex, sex, free sex tonight."

Her friend said "No, it's 666-3629."

When I hired a Asian detective to see if my wife was cheating on me, I got this letter:

Mr. Wong - I see he, so I climb up tree. He knock on door and she let him in. She talks to him, he talks to she. He undresses she, she undresses he. She plays with he, he plays with she. I play with me, I fall out tree, I no see... No fee.

No. Eat my butt!

A baby skunk's mother gets hit by a car, so the baby skunk doesn't know what he is.

So the baby skunk walks up to a baby bunny and asks, "What are you?" The baby bunny replies, "Well, I'm a baby bunny. What are you?" The baby skunk says, "Well, I don't know, am I a baby bunny too?"

The baby bunny says, "No, you're not a baby bunny." So the baby skunk asks, "Well, what am I then?"

The baby bunny replies, "Well, you're not exactly blank and you're not exactly white, so you must be Mexican."

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fffffsshhhhhh

Why did Sally drown in the pool?

She had no arms, remember.

This year my friends wanted to dress up as crayons for Halloween. They asked me if I wanted to be a tan crayon. I didn’t want to, but I said yes to be nice. I wish I had said no, because now I look like a dick to everyone else.

Ay. Fonsi. DY. Oh. Oh no, oh no. Oh yeah. Diridiri, dirididi Daddy. Go. Sí, sabes que ya llevo un rato mirándote. Tengo que bailar contigo hoy (DY). Vi que tu mirada ya estaba llamándome. Muéstrame el camino que yo voy (Oh). Tú, tú eres el imán y yo soy el metal. Me voy acercando y voy armando el plan. Solo con pensarlo se acelera el pulso (Oh yeah). Ya, ya me está gustando más de lo normal. Todos mis sentidos van pidiendo más. Esto hay que tomarlo sin ningún apuro.

Despacito. Quiero respirar tu cuello despacito. Deja que te diga cosas al oído. Para que te acuerdes si no estás conmigo.

Despacito. Quiero desnudarte a besos despacito. Firmo en las paredes de tu laberinto. Y hacer de tu cuerpo todo un manuscrito (sube, sube, sube). (Sube, sube). Quiero ver bailar tu pelo. Quiero ser tu ritmo. Que le enseñes a mi boca. Tus lugares favoritos (favoritos, favoritos baby). Déjame sobrepasar tus zonas de peligro. Hasta provocar tus gritos. Y que olvides tu apellido (Diridiri, dirididi Daddy). Si te pido un beso ven dámelo. Yo sé que estás pensándolo. Llevo tiempo intentándolo. Mami, esto es dando y dándolo. Sabes que tu corazón conmigo te hace bom, bom. Sabes que esa beba está buscando de mi bom, bom. Ven prueba de mi boca para ver cómo te sabe. Quiero, quiero, quiero ver cuánto amor a ti te cabe. Yo no tengo prisa, yo me quiero dar el viaje. Empecemos lento, después salvaje.

Pasito a pasito, suave suavecito. Nos vamos pegando poquito a poquito. Cuando tú me besas con esa destreza. Veo que eres malicia con delicadeza.

Pasito a pasito, suave suavecito. Nos vamos pegando, poquito a poquito. Y es que esa belleza es un rompecabezas. Pero pa montarlo aquí tengo la pieza.

Despacito. Quiero respirar tu cuello despacito. Deja que te diga cosas al oído. Para que te acuerdes si no estás conmigo.

Despacito. Quiero desnudarte a besos despacito. Firmo en las paredes de tu laberinto. Y hacer de tu cuerpo todo un manuscrito (sube, sube, sube). (Sube, sube). Quiero ver bailar tu pelo. Quiero ser tu ritmo. Que le enseñes a mi boca. Tus lugares favoritos (favoritos, favoritos baby). Déjame sobrepasar tus zonas de peligro. Hasta provocar tus gritos. Y que olvides tu apellido.

Despacito. Vamos a hacerlo en una playa en Puerto Rico. Hasta que las olas griten "¡ay, bendito!". Para que mi sello se quede contigo.

Pasito a pasito, suave suavecito. Nos vamos pegando, poquito a poquito. Que le enseñes a mi boca. Tus lugares favoritos (favoritos, favoritos baby). Pasito a pasito, suave suavecito. Nos vamos pegando, poquito a poquito. Hasta provocar tus gritos. Y que olvides tu apellido (DY). Despacito.

If you ever feel depressed, drink some coffee.

Expresso, expresso, no more depresso!

The greatest doctor, smartest man, young geek, and inspiring preacher are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and is confirmed by the doctor. But, there are only 3 parachutes on the plane. The doctor takes one and says,

"People need me for my excellent medicine!" and jumps out. The smart man grabs one and shouts,

"People are in need of my great knowledge!" and jumps out. There is only one more parachute on the plane. The preacher says to the geek,

"You are too young. Take the final parachute and go." The geek instead says,

"No, there are two parachutes left, the 'smart' one took my backpack."

They told me I could never be an actor.

No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.

Did you ever hear the story about the broken pencil?

That's okay. There is really no point to it.

"Confucius say: Man go asy, full retard. It's an art, a weapon, and a lifestyle. Once you go full retard, there is no going back."

Today in math class we had to do an activity where we had to flip coins. The teacher said that we had to flip some coins, remove all of the heads, count them, and put the rest of the coins back in the cup and repeat until we had no coins left. I’m not sure what we were supposed to get out of that activity, but I got 15 dead bodies.

A magician is driving, but then he "turns" into a driveway.

If you get this joke, you have no personality at all. Send all the help you can get:).

So Santa fell down the chimney, but it was a lit chimney...his name's no longer Santa. It's Crisp Cringle. Pls send help :)