Longevity jokes

It's said Duracell batteries are supposed to last 75 years, well Stephen, here you are.

My battery lasted longer than your sad, depressing life.

Life lesson guys:

Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

A father tells his 10-year-old son...

"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life."

His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186, leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great-grandchildren, and a 7-foot crater where the crematory used to be.

3 boys were having a debate about who had the healthiest grandma.

Boy 1: "I have the healthiest grandma. She is 67 years old and can still do a backflip!"

Boy 2: "No, I have the healthiest grandma. She is 76 years old and can still finish a marathon!"

Boy 3: "I have the healthiest grandma. She is 85 and she is in the hospital..."

Boy 1 and 2, looking confused.

Boy 1: "If she's so healthy, why is she in the hospital?"

Boy 3: "Because she's giving birth right now!"

What do trannies and jokes about them have in common?

Neither of them get old.

Life's too short to want it.

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

I have MP3s on my computer that are older than Johnny Depp's new significant other.

People say that life is short.

I say... life is the longest thing we ever do.