Longevity jokes

It's said Duracell batteries are supposed to last 75 years, well Stephen, here you are.

Life lesson guys:

Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.

My battery lasted longer than your sad, depressing life.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

A father tells his 10-year-old son...

"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life."

His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186, leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great-grandchildren, and a 7-foot crater where the crematory used to be.

3 boys were having a debate about who had the healthiest grandma.

Boy 1: "I have the healthiest grandma. She is 67 years old and can still do a backflip!"

Boy 2: "No, I have the healthiest grandma. She is 76 years old and can still finish a marathon!"

Boy 3: "I have the healthiest grandma. She is 85 and she is in the hospital..."

Boy 1 and 2, looking confused.

Boy 1: "If she's so healthy, why is she in the hospital?"

Boy 3: "Because she's giving birth right now!"

What do trannies and jokes about them have in common?

Neither of them get old.

People say that life is short.

I say... life is the longest thing we ever do.

On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"

I'm dying to live forever!

Life's too short to want it.

I have MP3s on my computer that are older than Johnny Depp's new significant other.

I really hate waiting to die... It's taking a lifetime.