Howe jokes
How do you confuse a fish?
Put it in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner!
I don't like 9/11 jokes because they always talk about how bad of a plane driver my dad is.
How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Must be more than 9 because my basement is still dark.
How does Stephen Hawking get clean?
He uses Tesco car wash.
A guy bought an AMG and crashed it. Now he knows how the Mercedes bends.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
Someone pulled his ethernet cable (he died of a blue screen)!
Roses are red, Violets are blue, How many bananas can I fit, Maybe two?
How's it going @#$!
How do you make a baby astronaut sleep?
You rock-it!
How do you circumcise someone from Alabama?
Kick his sister's jaw.
How do inmates keep in touch?
They have cell phones.
How many times can 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out.
How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just sit in the dark and cry.
Puerto Rican teen: I'm a waste, a failure, NUNCA LO PODRA ASER (I'll never be able to do it).
The mother: AI NINO (OH CHILD).
The teen: QUE? (WHAT?)
The mother: NO TE PONGA CON ESTA MIELDA OTRAVES! (DON'T START WITH THIS SHIT AGAIN!)
The teen: I CAN'T DO SHIT RIGHT MAMA!
The mother: OOOHHH YEAH WELL TU SI PUEDES ABLAR MIELDA DE TI, I BOTAR BASURA! (YOU SURE CAN TALK CRAP ABOUT YOURSELF AND THROW OUT THE TRASH.)
The teen: QUAL (WHICH).
The mother: MADRE DE DIOS (MOTHER OF GOD).
The teen: AVIA UNA NEGRA I OTRA BLANKA (THERE WAS A BLACK ONE AND WHITE ONE).
*A phone buzzes.*
The teen: Whose phone is that, ma?
Unknown: MR. PRESIDENT IF YOU TAKE AWAY THE CONFEDERATE FLAG HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO THE BAD WHITE PEOPLE ARE?
*Runs to bag, opens white one and sticks hand in.*
The teen: HAIR GEL
To master puns, you got to relish them first. That's how I must(ar)d it. Who knows, maybe you will ketchup to my level.
Caesar went to the future only to see how the Romans forgot Julius Caesar but only made a salad... I think it would have been better if Caesar stayed dead.
It's sad how families can be torn apart from something as simple as wild dogs.
Twin: Hey twin, how's it going?
Twin 2: Weird, twin. Bye.
Twin: Not funny, dude.
How old is a blue plane?
Blue.
How do goldfish know when to eat?
They don't. They have a memory span of 3 seconds.