HI jokes

You don't usually see strap-hangers carrying newspapers these days.

But one guy with the New York Times is seen getting on a crowded F Train. He notices a single seat not taken. Suspicious, he gets closer and sniffs it out. The seat is discolored but dry. Throwing caution to the winds, he removes a section from the paper and sets it down to buffer the spot from his behind. He sits down, stretches his feet and yells out: "Try sitting on your smartphones, suckers!"

Two people about to have sex realize they have no lube.

In their desperate, horny haste, they looked for the nearest "Downy" and asked it, "Speak into my hand."

Upon their return to the bed, they regretted it immediately because his dick just stayed down...

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    • A man walks over to a little boy and asks, "Wanna see my tattoo of a bunny?"

    The little boy replies with, "Yes please, I love bunnies!"

    The man proceeds to pull his pants down and said, "Can you see it yet?"

    The little boy curious says, "No, where is it?"

    The man says, "Dig a little deeper, he runs into the hole when he gets scared!"

    Two guys were walking down the street, and one of the guys told his friend he could talk any blond in the world into giving him a blowjob, any blond!

    So the guy bet him 20 bucks and pointed to this cute blond sitting on the side of the road and said, "Alright, let's see it!"

    The other guy walks up to the cutie and says, "Hi, my name's Dave, and my doctor just told me that if I didn't get a blowjob from a blond within three hours, the disease I have will kill me in, oh, let's see now, 22 minutes!"

    She looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "You mean I could save you from dying right now?" Then she says, "Pull it out!"

    Ten minutes later, the two men were laughing and patting old Dave on the back when his friend noticed the blond sitting in the alley bawling her eyes out!

    So he walks over to her and says, "I would have thought you would be so happy for saving my friend's life?!"

    So she looks up at him just crying her eyes out even worse and says, "I could have saved my dad!"

    Yesterday, a 5-year-old dyslexic boy almost saved his mother from drowning, but he kept dialing 119...

    Two tomatoes are walking on a road. Then a car runs over one of them, and the other says: "Hi, ketchup!"

    My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I finally had to take his bike away.

    Chuck Norris once put a plastic bag on his head, and the bag suffocated to death.

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    • A man finds his son climbing the roof of his house. The kid kept using all sorts of material to climb up, but the dad didn't pay much attention.

    Next day the kid went to the state tower and kept climbing using some adhesive gloves. The dad asks his son for a second time: "Son! Why are you doing this?" The son replies: "You told me to aim up high!"

    Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day.

    Push a man out of a plane and he will fly for the rest of his life.

    Hi, I...

    Sorry, my cat touched my computer. I don't know how to delete.

    The joke is that if you take a cap off a bottle, is it decapitation?

    Sorry guys, it's a hard word to spell.

    I accidentally hit an orphan with my car, but I was not worried because he couldn’t tell his parents.

    A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."

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