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Freddie Mercury was on top of the music world. That's only the 2nd thing he was a top in.

Premise 1: IF God exists, he exists.

Premise 2: If God exists, he exists.

Premise 3: IF God exists, he definitely exists.

Conclusion: Therefore he exists.

Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.

The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"

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    • Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."

    The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.

    The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."

    The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"

    So Jesus has been nailed to the cross.

    On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter!"

    Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.

    On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter!"

    Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.

    On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter!"

    Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus and says, "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important?"

    Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here!"

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    • I can't remember the last full conversation I had with my grandfather.

    Good thing is, since he hit his head, he can't remember either.

    What happened to the terrorist who tried to blow up a bus?

    He burnt himself on the exhaust pipe.

    “What happens to an Asian man when he runs into a brick wall with an erection?”

    “A broken nose.”

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    • Stephen Hawking only died because he tried to install Windows 10, and his hard drive corrupted.

    What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

    A pair of gloves!

    Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.

    So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.

    Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."

    And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"

    Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"

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