Hes jokes

My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline and he just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

The reason Stephen sounds like a computer is because he ate his USB.

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."

What did Stephen Hawking say when he died?

I'm logging out.

I broke the sink yesterday; the handle just blew right off! My dad was so mad, he blew his stack!

A bowman walked into a throne room, and he bowed to him.

A boy walks into some woods with a phone, and his friend comes by and asks, "What are you doing?"

He pauses, then says, "Trying some bird calls!"

Three guys walk into a room where a man is sitting with an assortment of foods on his plate because it's lunchtime. The guys ask the man to do a favor, and he says, "Sorry guys, I have a lot on my plate!"

A boy is sitting in a dentist chair getting braces, and a dentist comes in and says, "Brace yourself!"

So Timmy was walking down the street with his friend Lea. Suddenly a car drives by and Timmy waves at the car.

Lea looks at him, puzzled, then later asks him; "Why'd you wave at that car back there?"

Timmy replies "Oh that was my brother, he went to the bar. He must just be driving home..."

Q: What did the man say after removing another man's hat? A: He was decapitated.

A man had moved to a new country with his dog and with basic understanding of the language. One day he heard people talking about a place for dogs, so he took his dog there, telling them he wanted his dog to be groomed.

The man behind the counter responded with "yes happy dog, come back in little hours." So the man left and came back a couple hours later. When he asked about his dog, he was given a box of jerky. He found out "Happy Dog" was the name of the place where dogs become food.

You know how Stephen is smart, which class did he skip?

Leg day.

A retard won a break-dancing competition. All he did was go to get a drink.

A man says, "I'm flying!" He realizes he was pushed out of a plane.

He is dead.

Why does Santa not have any children?

He only cums once a year.

My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”

Me: John, what did he do earlier?

John: Hold on, I’m trying to think.

Me: I thought I smelled poop.