My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.
"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"
I met a gay guy last night.
Man, was he a pain in the ass.
My Crandall just be smashing more than you ON DA GIRLS, and he was slapping your girl last night harder than WILL at the OSCARS! ;)
Why does Michael Jackson have such a hard time playing chess?
He can't choose between black or white.
Why was the orphan eating cereal with water? Because he has no dad to bring him milk.
Confucius say: Never try win head-butting contest with mongoloid. You lose every time, and you only hurt yourself.
Unless he use Mongolian recurved bow... then you in trouble!
Why did Timmy drop his ice cream cone?
He got hit by a train.
I saw this kid on the street wearing a rag. I said, "Are you an orphan?" He said, "What gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."
"OK, son," he says. "It's as easy as counting to 5."
1. Pull down your pants. 2. Pull back your foreskin. 3. Pee in the toilet. 4. Put your foreskin back. 5. Pull up your pants.
From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying, "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4."
A man shot into a crowd at the train station and didn't hit one person. When the police asked why he missed, someone said, "'Cause he gay."
He couldn't shoot straight.
why did stephen hawking die ? he couldnt log in
Why did the teacher yell at the orphan?
Because he didn’t do his homework.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Shrek thought he was ugly until he saw you.
Did you hear about the dead Italian chef?
He pasta way!
Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."
My dad went to go get milk. He came back 7 years later, and we had to send him back because he got the wrong milk.
When a homeless kid goes to school and the teacher says, "You have homework tonight," he said, "Sorry, Teach, I don't got a home."
What did the teacher say when he raped his naughty student?
"Face the wall!"
A man is digging in his garden and finds a gold chest. He goes to tell his wife.
Then he remembers why he was digging in the garden...
