Herring jokes

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Her: Awww... Yes!!!

Me: Good, then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.

My ex was an orphan as a child.

I should have taken that as the first sign.

If her parents didn't want her, why would I?

Yo mama is so fat, her car has stretch marks.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They stuck her in a round room and told her to find the penny in the corner.

Roses are red, violets are black, your mum's so fat she sold her son for 10 Big Macs.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack, then sell it again.

Why did the heterosexual woman try to put a mask 😷 on her pussy? She wanted to protect herself from covid, but she did try to put a mask 😷 on her dildo, but the mask 😷 keep falling off the dildo.

If her age is on the clock, she gets the cock.

How do you know a hippie is on her period?

Her socks are missing.

How do you know she's off?

Her socks are tye-dye.

Yo mama so old the carpenter uses her crotch as sandpaper.

Little Johnny was playing with dick when his teacher walked in the room. She asked him what he was doing, he said Im doing my homework. The teacher saw how big his cock was and asked him to have sex with her. He willingly did so. Little johnny was already 25 so it didn't matter. The only thing was that he was homeschooled.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,

"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"

A girl walked into a job interview. The interviewer said, "You are what we are looking for, but I need to test your skills." He hands her a pen. He said, "Sell me this pen." She puts it between her boobs.

So Kenny finally found his one true love.

But he can't be with her because it's illegal to marry your sister.

How do you stop a MeToo feminazi from telling the world about being raped? Easy: just rape her mouth shut.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed Jill's thigh and said, "You know you wanna." Jill said, "Yes," and lifted up her dress. Then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

An old lady was low on money because she had spent all of her money on clothes.

So she decided to go to the bank. She walked up to the guy at the desk. She asked if he could check her balance. He asked a few questions to the old lady, like her weight and her height. He asked her if she had done any exercise recently. She was very confused. She got angry and asked the man again to check her balance. So he stood up, walked next to her and pushed her over. He came to the conclusion that she had a low balance.

A lady weightlifter goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a confession." The doctor asks, "What is that?" She replies, "I've been using steroids and....I think I've grown a penis." The doctor looks at her and asks, "Anabolic?" There's an awkward silence then she replies, "No, just a penis."

How did Helen Keller lose her virginity?

I told her the plunger was stuck in the toilet, but she didn’t listen...

Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seat belt.

How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment.