Family History jokes

when you use ancestry.com instead of tinder.

My great grandfather died in 9/11.

He was an amazing pilot.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

When you go to Incestry.com instead of Ancestry.com.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

Do you ever look at someone and think, "You must have been conceived at a family reunion"?

I was listening to my children praying, and my youngest that can speak said to me: "Mama, why is Gramma dead?"

I smiled and told her, "Well, less than 10 years ago when I was 5, your age, my Momma took me into the basement with some hot rando during a party. And 9 months later Shinana was born. One Pedo after another and your 4 siblings were born. The Pedo I met last night told me, 'If your mother's the one making you do this, do what you do best.' I listened and the next day she didn't leave her bed breathing. When the Pedo found out he left me and your soon to be brother."

She replies with, "Make his child support expensive!" Now he has to pay me 2,000 U.S. dollars every month, like the other ones that ran away.

My family is like a treasure.

You need a map and shovel to find them.

So, my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.

I hate family reunions.

I see too many of my ex's there.

What do you call an orphan's family tree? A stump.