How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?
Call her on the phone.
What do you call someone with Down Syndrome who smokes weed?
A baked potato.
How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?
Pokémon!
How do you make an octopus laugh?
You give it ten tickles.
Where do kittens go on a field trip?
The meowseum.
What would Batman do if he wasn't rich?
He would be robin.
What do classical musicians do when they die?
They decompose.
What do you call a communist pirate ship?
The USS Arrrrr.
What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
He wipes his butt.
Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison?
An escapea.
How do you say goodbye to a calculus teacher?
Calculator!
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
What do you call it when you're trying to find out what someone had for lunch?
An ingestigation.
How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree?
Wave.
What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas?
He went to the Shell station.
How do you make holy water?
You take normal water, and boil the hell out of it.
Why do shepherds never learn to count?
Because if they did, they would always be falling asleep.
