DoS jokes
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.
Do you know how Chinese people roast? They say, "Boy, if you don't get your chi chong head, boy!"
What do you call a chicken that catches ghosts? A poultrygeist.
What do you call a bunch of bi-racial, retarded kids? Mixed vegetables.
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"
Q: How do you get 10 babies in a trashcan?
A: With a blender.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: Chips.
What did the orphans do when the bombs drop?
They said, "Allahu Akbar."
Do you wanna hear a joke about vegetables? Never mind, it's too corny.
What do you call a funny cow?
A cowmedian.
Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I'm so good that I can do it with my eyes closed.
Do you wanna hear the gossip about butter?
Actually, I shouldn't spread it.
If you were on the Titanic and you didn't leave the ship, what would you do? Just let that sink in.
I was once caught doing it with a 16 year old in my bedroom. Boy, was my wife mad. She yelled "HOW CAN YOU F*** OUR DAUGHTER?!". Haha, yeah, she was mad.
Anyways, that's why your mother and I are getting a divorce, Timmy.
what do you call a chicken who crossed the road?........suicidal.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
What do you call a Mexican in the zombie apocalypse?
Answer: "Sweet and spicy chicken."
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.
The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.
The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.
And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"
What do Indian hip hop artists eat?
Rice rice baby.
What do you say to a woman who is completely beaten up on her face, full of bruises, and has a broken jaw?
"Will you listen now?!??"