How do inmates keep in touch?
They have cell phones.
What do you get when you put a baby in a blender? An extraction.
What do you call a chair with a hat?
I don't know; the real question is, why was the chair wearing a hat?
You: What you doing?
I wonder what you’re doing because you’re bad at math, hahahahaha!
Grandma: calls You: Hello Grandma, what are you doing? Why, you can't mean I'm right in the house right now? Grandma: I didn't mean to call you, bye.
"I see, I see." "Oh, do you see?" "I see 1st place looking at me." "Hi, don’t be shy, just say hi." She was shy, she didn’t say hi. Softball cheers.
One day my pet barked at me and so I got scared and was my dad actually. It was weird, you should’ve saw him and so the day goes on because he likes to run around the house that he likes to do it out 😂😂😂😂😱
What do you do when your sister asks you “Why are you sad?”
Reply back with “Because you were born.”
Q: What do you do if you bump into a koala?
A: You koalagize to it.
Puerto Rican teen: I'm a waste, a failure, NUNCA LO PODRA ASER (I'll never be able to do it).
The mother: AI NINO (OH CHILD).
The teen: QUE? (WHAT?)
The mother: NO TE PONGA CON ESTA MIELDA OTRAVES! (DON'T START WITH THIS SHIT AGAIN!)
The teen: I CAN'T DO SHIT RIGHT MAMA!
The mother: OOOHHH YEAH WELL TU SI PUEDES ABLAR MIELDA DE TI, I BOTAR BASURA! (YOU SURE CAN TALK CRAP ABOUT YOURSELF AND THROW OUT THE TRASH.)
The teen: QUAL (WHICH).
The mother: MADRE DE DIOS (MOTHER OF GOD).
The teen: AVIA UNA NEGRA I OTRA BLANKA (THERE WAS A BLACK ONE AND WHITE ONE).
*A phone buzzes.*
The teen: Whose phone is that, ma?
Unknown: MR. PRESIDENT IF YOU TAKE AWAY THE CONFEDERATE FLAG HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO THE BAD WHITE PEOPLE ARE?
*Runs to bag, opens white one and sticks hand in.*
The teen: HAIR GEL
Why do dogs howl?
-because that's the only contraction they know.
Why do dogs howl?
Because that's the other contraction they know.
What do you call a 18+ animal jam?
Play Wild!
You take four, then you put a "n" at the end, then you take the "u" out, then you replace the "f" with a "p". What do you get?
What do you call an ear that's dead? Deaf. Hahaha! Oh wait...
What do you call a male ladybug?
Trans.
How do goldfish know when to eat?
They don't. They have a memory span of 3 seconds.
What do an acting role and playing sports have in common?
If you break a leg, you get cast.
A surgeon loses his job as he botched a surgery.
boss: "We have to let you go."
surgeon: "I protest innocence."
boss: "How?"
surgeon: "I thought doing your job and saving people's lives were two different things."
boss: "Get out!"
How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.
