DoS jokes
How do ducks fart?
Out their butt, quack.
I'm doing something Stephen Hawking can't do... pressing "I'm not a robot."
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
What do big fat male cows have?
Moobs.
How do you count cows with a cowculator?
Q: Do you know why people don't like abortion jokes?
A: Because they leave people with a feeling of emptiness inside.
What do you call someone without a body?
Nobody.
How do you beat Lady Gaga at Texas hold’em?
Poker face.
People often ask me what I would do for a Klondike bar. Well, I'd straight up put 5 hijackers on Flight 175 before it departed from Logan Airport at 8:14 a.m. on September 11, 2001.
Dad: Hey son, do you like Christmas?
12 year old me: Yeah!
Dad: Well, how would you feel about two?
Me: What?
How many times do I tap that ass? OVER 9000!
Bob and Brad loved baseball. When Brad was dying, Bob asked Brad to see if there was baseball in heaven. Brad died, and two weeks later, Bob woke up to Brad's voice. Brad said, "I've got good news. They do have baseball in heaven. Bad news is that you're up to bat next."
Why do elves go to school?
To learn the elf-abet.
What do you get when you cross a vacuum and a rooster?
A cock sucker.
Do you know why Peter Pan is always flying?
Because he Neverlands!
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they're all shellfish.
Why do dogs like skeletons?
Because they're boneheads.
Why do bunnies like Bruno Mars? Because he got 24 carrots.
Son: Hey Dad, what's an alcoholic?
Dad: Well son, do you see those 4 cars? An alcoholic would see 8.
Son: Dad, there are only 2 cars.
What do TVs and girls have in common?
They both show you stuff when you turn them on!