How do you beat lady gaga at Texas hold’em?
Poker face
People often ask me what I would do for a Klondike bar. Well, I'd straight up put 5 hijackers on Flight 175 before it departed from Logan Airport at 8:14 a.m. on September 11, 2001.
Dad: Hey son, do you like Christmas?
12 year old me: Yeah!
Dad: Well, how would you feel about two?
Me: What?
How many times do I tap that ass? OVER 9000!
Bob and Brad loved baseball. When Brad was dying, Bob asked Brad to see if there was baseball in heaven. Brad died, and two weeks later, Bob woke up to Brad's voice. Brad said, "I've got good news. They do have baseball in heaven. Bad news is that you're up to bat next."
Why do elves go to school?
To learn the elf-abet.
What do you get when you cross a vacuum and a rooster?
A cock sucker.
Do you know why Peter pan is always flying?🤔🤔🤔
Because he neverlands🤘🤘🤘
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they're all shellfish.
Why do dogs like skeletons?
Because they're boneheads.
Why do bunnies like Bruno Mars? Because he got 24 carrots.
Son: Hey Dad, what's an alcoholic?
Dad: Well son, do you see those 4 cars? An alcoholic would see 8.
Son: Dad, there are only 2 cars.
What do TVs and girls have in common?
They both show you stuff when you turn them on!
What do you call a guy with a big dick that likes to eat fish?
Long John Silvers or Captain D's.
What do you call an angry Texan?
A Confederate leader.
What do you call a farting boxer?
Gaseous Clay.
Why do tables never need wheelchairs?
Because even without the ‘t’ they are still able.
What do u call Stephen going fast? Hot wheels
What do you call a cow in a moving van?
A: A mooving cow.
What do you call a midget psychic that has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
