Don't do suicide shit. Nearly killed me, tbh. 🙏🙏🙏🙏
DoS Jokes
How do you win an argument against an emo kid?
Give him a gun, he'll just shoot himself.
What do you call an Asian who gets a B?
It's not a B-sian.
Dead.
What do you call a surprised Asian?
Ho Lee Fuc.
what do you call an American looking at cloud shapes?
Oppenheimer
What do you call a group of white people running down a hill?
An avalanche.
How do you turn a cat into a fish?
Tell your girl not to wash down there.
Why do orphans enjoy playing tennis?
It's the only way they’ll get love.
What does a cannibal do after eating its vegetables?
Sells the wheelchair.
What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in a bathtub?
Throw them some laundry.
What do you get when you cross a Jewish person?
Christianity.
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.
I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."
A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”
The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”
What do you call a depressed a cappella group?
Self-Harmony.
What do you call two gay Irishmen?
Patrick Fitz Gerald, and Gerald Fitz Patrick.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.
What do you call an orange on a small stick?
Donald Trump.
A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: Do you know how often people die from AIDS?
I said: Now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.
What do gingers miss most at a grate party?
The invitation.
