Die jokes

Me: Hey Siri, did you know Candice died?

Siri: Yes, I was informed she died from sugondese.

Me: What is that?

Siri: Sugondese nuts.

A shop assistant is helping a little boy who can't find his mum in the supermarket.

He asks the boy, "What's she like?"

The boy says, "Big Cocks and vodka!"

Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?

That's what happened to my dog.

Why did Lucas die?

'Cause he was old, Lucas.

What do birds and children have in common?

If you shoot them, they die.

What did the chicken say after he died? Nothing.

Girlfriend: You remind me of a cell phone.

Girlfriend's ex: Why?

Girlfriend: Because you're about to die.

Hey I have a joke for you.

My life hahah. I wanna die.

So, about a year ago I was riding a horse, and out of nowhere the horse tried to flip me off it and I fell off. I would have been OK, but my foot got stuck in the stirrup. The horse dragged me along and didn't stop.

I would have died if it weren't for the Walmart manager who came out and unplugged the horse.

You're so boring that you make war veterans die quicker, and yet they're still on life support.

Most of the people here: That's not funny, lots of people died.

Bruh, why are you in here if you can't take a joke?

I was in Afghanistan and I had been captured by the Taliban. I was going to get the death penalty.

Suddenly a man came out of nowhere and offered to take the penalty. It was my idolo Penaldo. He missed the penalty. Now I will die. Shame on u Penaldo!

Died and came back a cowboy, I call that reintarnation.

I was at a funeral. I kissed a hot girl I did not know. She was the one that died.

I put my heart and soul in my report, then my teacher says:

"Hey KIDS were going to repeat making current events about our state til we DIE."

....No wonder when kids leave school they're soulless.

RIP Meh Soul.

You've probably heard this one before, but screw it.

What's the difference between Jesus Christ and the kid I just killed?

Jesus Christ probably died a virgin.

Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin off and eat them, they die.

Chuck Norris once stared a basilisk in the eye, and it DIED!

My Chinese friend died recently, So Yung.

Bro, if I die, I want to die blown up by 34 pounds of C4 at a furry convention.