And jokes

And there's the referee taking down Ronaldo's number.

Not really the time or the place, but it's good to see that we've kept homophobia out of football.

In this modern age, I feel as though it's inappropriate to make jokes about herbs and fish.

It's not the thyme or the plaice for it.

So an orphan goes to the store and gets a bunch of cartons of milk.

The cashier goes, "Woah, why so much?"

The orphan goes, "My dad never came back with the milk, so, well, here we are!"

The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below.

Trump: "I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."

Melania: "Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"

Ivanka: "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."

Pilot: "Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They put doorknobs on a wall and said, "Open the door."

Why are gay people bad at hide and seek?

Because they're always coming out of the closet.

If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die.

But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I won't die because the potato is already dead and can't attack my immune system.

The most powerful thing in the world is babies. This is because they cry and get what every they want.

Let's say I was immortal. No matter what I did, I would be alive. But, the catch is I’m the least flexible and least strong person in the world.

Now, I get my head chopped off. What would I do? I would roll over to my headless body and figure out what it's like to suck my own dick.

I had the WORST day ever. My ex was sent to the hospital from a gun, and I got my hunting license removed.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

And to the parents of the lost boy named Timmy, we have found him, and now is your chance to make your escape. He really is a little shit, isn't he?

If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then the lethal dose would be a lifetime supply.

If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then half of the least dose would be a lifetime supply.

What do you get when you mix a fly and a rabbit?

Bugs Bunny!

What do you get when you cross a turkey and a centipede?

Drumsticks for everyone!

Using Pi, distract that fat kid next to you and copy his answers.

And the children of Israel wandered round the desert for 40 years, until eventually Moses' wife said, "Are you going to ask for directions, or what?"

I would like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine, who was run over last week and is in hospital.

The wheels on the bus go round and round!

It's getting near midnight, and I can already hear Big Ben. He's upstairs pumping the wife.