And jokes

I saw a kid crying, sitting on the sidewalk, and I asked him where his parents were. He then cried even more. God, I love working at the orphanage.

Yesterday I saw an orphan kid playing GTA and told him he can't get 5 stars because he ain't wanted.

Okay, so I know this is not a joke, but I wanted to take some time to say if you have autism, you are still amazing. You are lovely in every way, and if people bully you, don't listen because they are wrong. You are cute, and I know how it feels. I have ADHD, and I get bullied a lot, but I don't let that get to me because I know what they are saying is wrong and not true. People with autism, stay strong; you got this. I will be your friend by heart, even if it's not in person.

What do ninjas and depressed people have in common?

They're always cutting.

A weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never seen a weasel before. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix.

eBay is so useless.

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus,

"Please send me a sibling!"

Santa Claus wrote him back and said, "Okay, send me your mother!"

Stacy: Honey, I'm kinda new to texting, what does lol mean?

Justin: I'm not sure, "lots of love," I guess.

Margaret: Stacy, are you there? I don't know if you heard, but Amber and her three kids were killed in a car crash this morning. I'm in total shock!

Stacy: lol

I went up to the deaf kid and said, "I’m going to punch you in 3, 2, 1." And he ended up with a broken nose, and I said, "You should have listened to me!"

I confessed to my crush in preschool. Unfortunately, she rejected me. I just carried on and got right back to teaching.

You see a kid on the side of the street crying, so you go up to them and say, "Where are your parents?" The kid says, "What are parents?"

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    • There is this little boy, and he gets in the shower with his mom and looks up and says, "Mommy, what are those?"

    She replies with, "These are my headlights."

    He looks down and says, "Mommy, what's that?" She says, "That's my garage."

    So he gets out of the shower and gets in with his dad and looks down and says, "What is that?" The dad says, "This is my snake."

    Later that night, he wakes up in the middle of the night and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, turn off your headlights and close your garage. Daddy's snake is trying to get in!"