And jokes
My child is ungrateful. I got him a bike for Christmas and he didn't say thank you. No, he said, "Dad, I don't have any legs!"
What do McDonald's and a priest have in common? They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.
What is the difference between a school bully and a feminist?
The school bully does not hide behind their computer screen.
Santa gives a boy a bike and a soccer ball for Christmas. This upsets the boy. Why?
Answer: He has no legs. The boy has no legs.
What does Michael Jackson and a Playstation have in common?
They're both made of plastic and children turn them on.
A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
What does Germany and the rest of the world have in common? They both use gases to poison one thing or another.
What has two legs and is red all over?
Half a cat.
What do you call a mosquito in your language?
We don't call them, they just come and bite.
How Stephen Hawking died: he drove too far away from the wall and the cord got unplugged.
Why don't people play hide-and-seek in the number 4?
Because it would take forever. Get it? "For-ever" and "4" four, so "four ever."
Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas, and it's still printing.
Many years of sex in the dark.
The wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick!"
The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch!"
Two mums hook up!
Their daughter comes in the room and says, "Which one's the baby daddy?"
The "mum" points to the woman who was actually a man!
What’s the difference between a teenage girl and a cat? One’s a psycho and the other is a cat.
Who do Chinese people name their kids?
Throw the forks and knives down the stairs.
A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
Muslims don't need weed, they've got the Koran.
You burn that sh*t and you're gonna get stoned.
What’s the difference between women and condoms?
There isn’t a difference; they’re both throw aways.
What does your mom and a slinky have in common?
They aren't much to look at, but you can't help but crack a smile when you see them tumbling down the stairs.