And jokes

A Chinese boy never met his parents after they were killed in WW2, so when he learned where they were buried, he quickly rushed there.

He sat down in front of their graves and prayed, "I want to see your face again, mommy..." A miracle happened; his mother rose up from the graves and hugged him.

The boy cried then said, "I want to see you too, dad." He looked at his father's grave, but nothing happened.

Suddenly, a Japanese soldier came up behind him and asked, "Were you looking for me?"

So, there are these 3 strings, they walk into a bar. People are giving them looks. The small chap is your typical thin cord. He walks to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. He replies, "Oii, your kind ain't welcomed here, so take your drink, mates, and fuck off."

He goes back to his mates and says, "We'd better get outta here." "Nonsense," replies the mid guy, he's your typical string. Goes to the barman and same story. Finally the last guy, he's your typical rope. He burst out, "Fuck this!" He twits and ties himself whilst messing up his hair. He struts up to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. The barman does so and whilst he prepares the drink, he opens with, "Say, aren't you a string?" "No, I'm a frayed knot."

Why are most firefighters men? Because they like to find hot places and leave them wet.

What's the difference between an Al Qaeda Base and a Pakistani School?

"I don't know man, I just fly the drones."

Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland?

She sat on Pinocchio's face and said: "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.

I once was sitting outside and watched the birds go by. I checked my watch and said, "My, how time is FLYING by!"

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

Superman was flying one day when he saw Wonder Woman laying by the pool completely naked. He thought, "I can fuck her so fast she wouldn't even know what happened." So he then flew down to the pool and did fuck her.

Wonder Woman stood up and said, "What was that?" The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but my asshole stinks!"

What's black and sitting in a chair? Steven Hawking after a house fire.

What's the difference between a spare tire and dead hookers? I don't have 8 spare tires in my trunk.

What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.

A rich man paid for a trip to space, but he couldn't go because the rocket was damaged. He received a refund and an apology.

A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

A man gets captured by cannibals.

Every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."

Sometimes I look in the mirror and go, "What happened?"

What's the difference between a dog and a rapist?

At least the rapist adds a bit of foreplay before he starts humping people.

A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.

When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.

"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.

I like my cigars like I like my women: 7 years old and in a burlap sack from Cuba.

Ok, not really racist but still funny.

Helen Keller walked into a bar, and a chair, and a table, and a wall.