And jokes
What do you get when you have an annoying kid, a homicidal kid, and a suicidal kid in the same room? A happy ending.
Hookers are like drive-thrus; you tell them what you want, pay for your stuff, and leave.
What's got 6 legs, 3 arms, and 3 heads?
The finish line at the Boston marathon.
What's the difference between an ISIS militant base and a Pakistani children's school?
I don't know, I just fly the drone.
What's the similarity between Catholic Priests and McDonalds? They both like sticking their meat in 6-year-old buns.
A friend texts to another:
"Hey." They reply, "What's up?"
The first friend then replies with a simple answer, "The sky!" But the other friend intervenes and says, "No, it's the ceiling!"
To then the first friend finishes the greeting with, "Unless you're homeless or six feet under."
Mankind is made of 2 words: Mank and ind.
What's brown and rather bad for your dental health?
- A baseball bat.
I saw your mother get into a white Ford Taurus on the corner of Milton and Halliburton, and you're still trying to tell me she ain't got no job cause she "can't get a ride to work?"
What's got 9 arms and sucks?
Def Leppard.
Q: You want to know why I don’t make jokes about 9/11?
A: They tend to crash and burn.
The other day at school we had to write down our hero and what we would do if they walked into our house. I got off easy because my hero is Stephen Hawking.
What's brown and hairy? A bear.
What's brown, hairy, and is in love with Ethan Herbst? Arij.
Why are the same Sally jokes told over and over again?
Because how can you tell jokes about someone who's dead?
These days, there are only two political parties in India: BJP and anti-BJP.
I have two eyes and am afraid of sex.
A Fortnite player.
What was blue and black and doesn't like to have sex... The little girl in my trunk.
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
9/11 jokes aren’t funny.
They always crash and burn.
Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!
Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.