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I was having sex with my girl, and she said she likes it rough, so I socked her in the face.

  • 1

    • My "overweight" friend and I were talking at lunch.

    Overweight friend: Man, why you so ugly, dude?

    Me: *annoyed* Jason, when you stepped on the scale this morning, it asked for your weight, not your phone number.

    A preacher was selling a horse. A cowboy decided to buy the horse. The preacher told the cowboy to make the horse go, to say "Thank God" and to stop the horse, to say "Hallelujah". The cowboy then rode off into the sunset until he came upon a cliff, searching his memory he yelled "Hallelujah" and the horse stopped just before going off the cliff. Then the cowboy said "Thank God".

    One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, "Just because you killed the butterfly, you don't get butter for a week."

    They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, "Nice try."

    My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

  • 5

    • What is the difference in having a granny fetish and necrophilia? A few weeks.

  • 7

    • A kid is watching TV and sees an ad about adopting an animal. He then turns to his mother and says, “Do we have to adopt a donkey?” “No,” replied the mom, “but we decided to do it... we adopted you.”

    The reason Stephen Hawkings died is probably because he fell off his wheelchair, and he must've pressed shut down by accident.

    A happy mother: "Why is your sister so quiet?! And how did you get super glue stuck on your penis?!"

  • 1

    • What's the difference between Tyler and a rooster? A rooster says, "cock-a-doodle-doo," Tyler says, "any cock will do."

    Robin asks Batman what he is getting his parents for Christmas. Batman gets mad, slaps Robin, and runs off crying.

    Now you know why Batman Beyond was born when Bruce died. cause of death: suicide

    So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."

    What's the difference between a rock and a dead baby?

    You can't fuck a rock.

    A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"

    The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"

    Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"