And jokes

What’s the difference between a mother and a fetus at an abortion office?

Only one of them is scared.

My boyfriend is just like a sexy nerd and I still have to ask him things like that because I'm so distracted from him.

Alright, my sister is ALWAYS dancing randomly all the time, and what I say is, "Go get you boyfriend, dude!"

Men, get into the kitchen and make me a sandwich!

Women, go chop some lumber!

White people, get back into the cotton fields!

Why did the sea cry?

Because it felt salty and blue.

I got my little girl a hand sewing kit for her birthday and she cried. I didn't understand why until I realized that she had no hands to sew with.

I couldn’t understand why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger.

Then it hit me.

This guy in a trench coat walks up to a kid, opens the trench coat and has glasses inside.

He says to the kid, “Hey kid, want some extra-see?”

One day an old woman came into the bank and asked me to check her balance... So, I pushed her over.

This isn't a joke.

There was a homeless family in need of a room, but the guy said no more rooms because they were homeless. So, they got into a barn, and the mother gave birth to a young healthy boy. Before you say anything bad to a homeless man, that little boy was born on December 25th. Guess who it is.

JESUS CHRIST!!!!!! STOP HURTING THE HOMELESS PEOPLE AND START HELPING THEM!!!!!!!!

What's the difference between a mother and a pigeon?

One doesn't eat their husband out.

The other day, I donated my car keys, $1,000, and a passport to a homeless man.

You could feel the happiness come from me after he holstered his suppressed shotgun.

A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."

"Interesting."

"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,

"Jenny and Jonathan sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."

A man from Brooklyn is arguing with an Englishman. He says things like,

"It's an elevator, not a lift!"

and

"It's a bathroom! Not 'washroom'!"

He keeps going on until the Englishman says,

"Hey wanker, it's a school, not a god damned shooting range."

Roses are red, your mother has said, "Come back again, and you'll be dead!"

A man was walking down the street with a swivel chair under one arm, a computer under the other, and a desk strapped to his back.

A policeman ran over to him and handcuffed him, saying, "I'm arresting you for impersonating an office, sir!"

A boat carrying red paint and a boat carrying blue paint crashed into each other. The crews were marooned.

Where’s the best place to put a Christmas tree?

In between Christmas two and Christmas four. 😉😂😂

Mary Poppins went to a restaurant and ordered cheese, eggs, and cauliflower. When she left, she had written something in the complaint box: "Super cauliflower, eggs, but cheese was quite atrocious." (Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious)