And jokes

Some of you people on here are complete incels and need to learn how to spell and properly construct simplistic grammatical sentences that actually make sense.

How do you confuse Helen Keller? You rearrange the furniture and glue doorknobs to the walls.

Ok, so, a mole goes up to a snail and eats him.

It was a seven course meal if I say so myself.

I hate double standards.

Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said, "How sick?"

I said, "Well, I'm in bed with my 12-year-old sister."

Me: What's yellow and can't swim?

My sister: What??

Me: A school bus filled with kids.

A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

Why did Stephen Hawking and his wife stop playing hide and seek? She kept using a metal detector.

It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"

What does an apple and a gay person have in common?

Both fruits hang in trees out in the Middle East.

Mom, can I please go out and play?

... no answer.

So I was walking in a store, and a carrot and a lettuce said, "Lettuce leaf!" to me.

Free will is like having a vagina. You don't need to know how to use it, and you don't need to know what it does, but what matters is that you have it.

A guy in a Costco was pretty pissed off at something. A guy walks up to him and says, "What's wrong, pal? Don't worry, it's not like you're on an abandoned aisle!"

You walk into a McDonald's and you ask for some extra mayo, and they put too much on there.

I say I didn't order a "McCumshot."

What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

I made someone a PB and J sandwich... they died.

"and i oop"

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

A guy was annoyed in a store. I walk up to him and said, "What's wrong, buddy? Don't worry, it's not like you're on an abandoned isle!"