And jokes

How do you get two deaf people from fighting?

Turn off the lights and walk out.

My nan coughed and threw up a lung. Now she is dead.

My friend asked me how fast my humor was, and I said it jumps borders. Then he asked how dark my humor is, and I said it picks cotton.

A dad and his son walk out to the middle of the woods armed only with a shovel and a lantern.

Son: "Dad, it's creepy out here!"

Dad: "You're complaining? I'm the one that has to leave the woods alone!"

Hi, I'm a skeleton and I know a skele-TON of jokes!

Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued oh how I wish I was dead so that I no longer have to brood.

Death would be a reprieve as I would no longer have to be true, and I would no longer have to be around any of you.

How Steven Hawking died: because he moved too much during the day and ran out of juice.

I went to the bathroom and into a stall to see a hole in the wall. It reminded me of "The Lickable Wallpaper" from "Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory." I jokingly started licking. Though, the carrot tasted musky and kinda wrinkly.

Bread is like an orphan: plain and stale and no fam.

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards...

The steaks were pretty high.

What is the best way to end a cookbook?

And that’s a wrap!

Why are Indians dark?

Because they are born and bred in chicken curry.

My brother has a fucking ass and I wake up to him twerking.

I

FCC’s

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I was in the car, and I got out and saw a deer walking sexy, and I'm like, "What the..."

What starts off fun and ends in bankruptcy?

UNPROTECTED SEX.

I was looking for my sister... I looked down at my feet and saw her.

Roses are red, I like girls from the South, a 425-pound teacher gets suspended after sitting on a kid's head and farting in his mouth.

Two female mice met and one spoke:

"Yesterday I met a mouse. He was black, and he had wings, and he had some cool, sharp teeth. He said he only ate at night."

Other mouse: "Umm... that's a bat."

"That asshole! He told me that he is a pilot!"

Friend: Hey, did you catch that game last night? I did, it was so good! After that I went to Kane’s, because Kane's is amazing! What did you do this weekend? I did-

Me: Dude, are you the Terms and Conditions? Because I don’t give a fuck about what you say.