When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
Shower thoughts
Why are people in Japan so thin?
Because it didn't end well the last time a Fat Man was there.
Why did the slave go to college? To get his master's degree.
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last one who had a dream was shot.
Google is a woman because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before it makes suggestions.
My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.
Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.
What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you? Your virginity
What’s a vegetable’s favorite dance?
The cabbage patch.
What do gay men and drug dealers have in common?
They both get a lot of crack.
Why does your grandma like gardening so much?
Because she loves getting dirty down on her knees.
What do you call an Australian visiting the UK on holiday?
Returning to the scene of the crime.
What is the best joke of all time?
Feminism.
What do you call a paraplegic stuck in a tower?
In trouble!
I’ll never forget my dad’s last words. “Erase my search history, son.”
Why do orphans eat cereal with water? Because their dad left and never came back home with the milk.
What is the difference between a dog pound and an orphanage?
In a dog pound, people actually want them.
How did the cannibal know the girl he was eating for dinner had COVID-19?
She lost her taste.
Why is it wrong to drive around in a van offering children candy?
Because you’ll have more success if you give out video games!
I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”