When you find out your wife had a miscarriage
So you start singing it’s the best day ever
Shower thoughts
Science can fly you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.
Why don't orphans get offended by dark humour? Because it can't hit home
Welcome to Dave’s orphanage. You make it, we take it.
What is the difference between a hipster and a hockey player? A hockey player showers.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they do not live in a swing state.
Why did Joe Biden pull out of the Afghanistan war?
Because it was over 18 years old
Jesus tried solving the rubik cube but died on the cross
What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection A quarter pounder with cheese
When does a cub become a Boy Scout When he eats his first brownie
What’s the difference between erotic and kinky Erotic is usually a feather kinky is using the whole chicken
What's the difference between a baby and a salad? Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.
Q: Do you know why transgender people are good at being carpenters? A: Because they have more experience cutting off their wood
Roses are red, don’t touch the toys, these are what the priests use to lure in the boys.
What do you do when your cat’s dead?
Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.
Knock knock Who’s there I suck I suck who Michael Jackson
What do you call a bunny with a bent dick?
Fucks funny
What’s the hardest part about making vegetable soup?
Put the wheel wheelchair in the pot
Whats the difference between a normal kid and a emo kid One has Functioning neck
I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and everything was half off. I didn't know back to school sales had started already