What’s the opposite of Stephen Hawking? Stephen walking.
Shower thoughts
Yesterday during the storm, there was a blackout, so I shot him.
Where do babies get baptized?
So the priest can wash their sex toys.
Yesterday, there was a blackout on my street.
So I sold them.
I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.
What do you do to a deaf girl after you’re done fucking her?
Break her fingers so she can’t tell anyone.
There are 4 billion women on earth. Why isn't it clean yet?
Emma Watson gets hotter and hotter in the Harry Potter movies when you’re watching in reverse order.
What is the difference between Nicole Brown Simpson and cancer?
OJ couldn’t kill cancer.
What do you call an autistic kid in a school shooting?
Target practice.
What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?
One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
Because you can’t take medicine on an empty stomach.
What do you call a gay guy eating Cheerios?
Fruit Loops.
What do you call it when a gay guy eats Cheerios?
Fruit Loops.
Why is Christianity the most dramatic religion?
Because other religions say, "Do, do, do."
But Christianity says, "Done, done, done!"
What’s the best part about fucking suicide girls?
The pussies are limited edition.
I heard P. Diddy got a job as a defensive coordinator.
He’s used to penetrating aggressively.
What song did Michael Jackson come up with after his first sleepover with the kid?
"Just Beat It."
About a month ago, I was at my best friend’s funeral and I told him, "Bitches always come and go." He looked at me kinda mad, kinda confused, and said, "That’s my mom, dude."
Why is Jeffrey Epstein so bad at races?
Because he comes in a little behind.