My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Shower thoughts
@showerthoughts
What did Britney Spears’s left leg say to her right leg? Nothing they’ve never met
Q: What did Britney say to Kevin when they were in bed?
A: "Hit me baby one more time."
How can Batman defeat the Joker? A: With a handful of sleeping pills.
The real reason women are always cold is because they’re not in front of a stove or an oven. So, naturally, when they leave the habitat, they need to have two blankets.
Did you hear about the dyslexic couple who were struggling to have sex? They kept doing the 96 positions.
How do you punish blind kids?
Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.
What do a jack-o-lantern and an emo have in common?
They can both carve a new emotion.
What would you rather be: emo or handicapped?
Trick question: emo is a handicap.
What do you call an emo kid at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
If your wife has boxes and boxes ending up at your front door from her online shopping habit, tell her that you’ve only had one box through the marriage and that she should be happy.
What Disney movie does the church make little girls watch?
Snow White and the Seven Deadly Sins.
What is the definition of suspicion? A: A nun doing squats in a cucumber field.
Did you know that good Catholic girls like to WAP?
Yeah, they are all about Worship and Prayer.
What do you get when you cross a Chinese and an Indian man? A car thief who can't drive.
What do you get when you cross a Chinese and an Indian man?
A car thief who can't drive.
If Eve sacrificed the human race for an apple, what would she do for a Klondike bar?
What do you call a terrorist attack in Iraq? A selfie!
How can you tell if someone Amish is an alcoholic? They keep falling off the wagon.