I hooked up with my German girlfriend, but I kept on getting distracted when she kept yelling her age.
Shower thoughts
@showerthoughts
What is the worst thing about dating a blind woman?
Getting her husband's voice just right.
I asked the emo kid if he was depressed that his phone died before him.
What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?
The sound when they hit the windshield.
What is the difference between Paul Walker and the Queen?
Paul Walker passed 100 before he died.
Why can’t you have a proper conversation with a gay person?
They’re never straight with you.
What did God say when he made the first black man?
"Crap, I burnt one!"
What’s one thing women need to know nowadays?
Their place.
I just prevented an 11-year-old from getting assaulted.
I decided to go home.
I feel bad for the kids at Sandy Hook. All they wanted was books, but got magazines instead.
Sex is like pizza.
When it’s hot, it’s great.
When it’s cold, it’s still pretty good.
Why do people hit their electronics when they don’t work?
You keep the tradition of hitting black things.
What do you call a black abortion clinic?
Crime Stoppers.
What song does Kobe Bryant hate?
"Rocky Mountain High."
Did you know Paul Walker was a method actor? He took his role very seriously as a human torch.
My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and on their land.
Why are camels known as ships of the desert?
Because they’re full of Arab semen.
Why is it that skinny men love fat women?
Because we need warmth in the winter and shade in the summer.
What’s the difference between a gay guy and a microwave?
A microwave doesn’t brown your meat.