Shower thoughts

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“I had a great day today Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"

Asked my dad what LGBT stands for.

He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously, I had to reply with "Garnish."

How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside

Have you ever wondered why you never see a gay guy in a wheelchair

It’s hard to become a vegetable when you’re already a fruit

Ted Bundy walks into a bar wearing all black. The bartender asks, “Whose funeral is it?” Ted Bundy looks around the room and replies, “I haven’t decided yet.”

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So I took away his towers and he took away my queen.