Royal

Heard the phrase "one man's trash is another man's treasure"? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you're adopted.

I asked to borrow a book from the library. It was titled "Suicide in Ten Easy Steps." The cunt just stood and said, "Cheeky bastard, you won't bring it back!"

Why did the old man fall down a well?

He couldn't see that well.

What animal has five legs? A pitbull returning from a playground.

Captain America is a 106-year-old virgin.

A man in Saudi Arabia was caught stealing hand sanitiser.

The silver lining for him is that he will not need hand sanitiser anymore!

Patient: Where are you taking me, doctor?

Doctor: The morgue.

Patient: Hang on! I'm not dead yet!

Doctor: And we're not there yet!

People always talk about starting families, what happened to finishing the job?

Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?

Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

Did you hear about the man who died of a Viagra overdose?

They couldn't close the casket.

Dad: No, Timmy, you don't have to worry, there is no monster sleeping under your bed, it sleeps every night in the bed next to me.

China. There. :)

What do emos use as birth control?

Their personalities!

I hope death is a girl. That way, it'll never come for me.

Hello, anybody, I've just shot somebody. I did it on purpose.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

You just shot an unarmed man.

Well, he should have armed himself then.

I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake.

... It was a bittersweet victory.

I used to work for a company called 69. My friend took over my position.

Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”

Patient: “Give me the good news first.”

Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.”

Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”

Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”