What animal has five legs? A pitbull returning from a playground.
Royal
Patient: doctor every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up what's wrong with me? Doctor: I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
I hope death is a girl that way it'll never come for me.
What do emos use as birth control? Their personalities!
china. there. :)
I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake ... It was a bittersweet victory
You just shot an unarmed man. Well he should have armed himself then
If at first, you don’t succeed... then skydiving definitely isn’t for you
Did you hear about the man who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close the casket.
Hello, anybody, I've just shot somebody, I did it on purpose
People always talk about starting families, what happened to finishing the job?
Patient: where are you taking me, doctor? Doctor: the morgue Patient: hang on! I'm not dead yet! Doctor: and we're not there yet!
Dad: no Timmy, you don't have to worry, there is no monster sleeping under your bed, it sleeps every night in the bed next to me.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
My dad died during 9/11, he was the best pilot in all Saudi Arabia.
No joke. I just want to say that my thoughts are with the Ukrainian people and i wish them the best. Best of luck.
Me: roasts my annoying cousin. Everyone at the barbecue...
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a third of a beer. The bartender bellows, "Get the hell out of here, are you trying to ruin me?"
I used to work for a company called 69, my friend took over my position.
Breaking news (2020): depressed pigeon misses shitting on people