Shower thoughts

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When cops say you have the right to remain silent,

You're just happy you have the right to do something.

My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."

What’s the difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?

Nothing; no one cares how much lead is in the kids.

What does Can do after eating its vegetables?

Go on eBay to see how much he can sell the wheelchair for.

I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.

My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"

When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"

How are Black people like communism?

Because they’ll never work, but some of them are willing to give it a shot.