The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?
When your in the middle of a test and you hear gun shots
what war did africa not win?
The water fight
What the difference between an Irish wedding and a Irish funeral, one less drunk.
I like my women like I like my wine. 16 and locked in my in a basement
Me walking in to the office: Principle: tell me what u did? Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...
if an emo doesn't get better by Christmas Santas reindeer won't be the only thing jumping off roofs this yea
My friend and I were at the mall, and decided to try on some necklaces. He said l think you should get the one over there, I do, I look at my friend and he’s wearing one with a little extra length so you can adjust it, I asked him did you just break away from your owner to upgrade to clothes and shoes?
3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The native american tells him the same thing. He laughs and the native american kills him. They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
How many Police Officers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room for being black.
What do you call a Mexican Baptism? Bean Dip
Michael Jakson gets really ill so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there he says 'am i in heaven?' The doctor replies 'Nah sir we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward.'
What do a stripper and a coconut have in common they both have a creamy center
Whats the difference between a rooster and a prostitute? The rooster says.. cock a doodle doo. The prostitute says.. any cock will do.
What does the SpongeBob intro and a pedophile have in common? Are you ready kids?
White people cant jump”.... “You must not have seen the twin towers on 9/11”
My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day: Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.