Pro marriage tip: Let your wife know you’re all about women’s rights, especially the right to remain silent, because all appliances should be silent.
Shower thoughts
@showerthoughts
If a deaf person is missing fingers, is it a speech impediment or an accent?
Why does the Avon lady walk funny?
Because her lipstick!
Why do old people swallow popcorn kernels?
To make their cremation more entertaining when they die.
Do you know what the secret is to have a smoking hot body?
Cremation.
Man, cancer is so easy to beat. I'm already on stage 4.
What do you call someone in a wheelchair being pushed by a cannibal?
A to-go order.
What do you call an annoying emo kid?
A nuisance.
I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. My friend's already on stage 4.
What's a cancer patient's favorite food?
Kentucky Fried Chemotherapy.
What do EMO kids use as birth control?
Their personalities.
What do Emo kids use as birth control? Their personalities.
Why are transgender people like confused kids? Because they both don't know what they want to be in life.
When you're sad, don't feel down about yourself. Break a leg, and you'll forget all about it.
Bleach solves so many problems: stains, dirty dishes, messes, and overpopulation.
Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.
What's a depressed person's least favorite type of cereal?
LIFE.
How do fat people settle arguments?
By bumping into each other to see who falls over first.
How do fat people settle arguments?
By seeing who can eat the most at a buffet.
What's something you can say about your clothes but not your partner?
It's just a rental.