What do you call a paraplegic stuck in a tower? In trouble
Shower thoughts
What is the difference between a dog pound and an orphanage? In a dog pound, people actually want them.
How did the cannibal know the girl he was eating for dinner had COVID-19? She lost her taste.
Why is it wrong to drive around in a van offering children candy? Because you’ll have more success if you give out video games
I got written up on 'Take Your Daughter To Work Day.' Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”
Ms Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that. Little Johnny: Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.
I went fishing with my grandpa and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun. A black man said where are the young ones.
My daughter has been writing letters asking Satan for gifts. Imagine my shock when I realized she has dyslexia.
My best friend is transgender; she transitioned from a man into a woman. I think it's courageous of her to take a pay cut like that.
How do you stop an argument between two deaf people? Switch off the lights.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? A roamin' Catholic.
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals? Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
After an intense workout, I finally have the body I've always dreamed of. It's in my basement
Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next
What does a Viagra and Disney Land have in common? They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two-minute ride.
I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother. Not screaming like her passengers.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs