
ππ¨π¬ππ’π§ π π₯π¨π°ππ«π¬
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Never challenge death to a pillow fight.
Unless you're prepared for the reapercushions.
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My three favourite things are eating my family and not using commas.
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What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
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A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "that's my step ladder" he said "I never knew my real ladder."
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What goes cackle cackle *bonk*?
A witch laughing it's head off.
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Did you know you don't actually wash your hands?
They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.
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Waiter: "here you go, one medium-rare steak".
Me: "I like it well done."
Waiter: "thanks, that means a lot."
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I am Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon.
Neil before me.
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My wife and children are leaving me over my obsession with horse racing.
And they're off.
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Knock knock.
Who's there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W. H. O.
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Somebody keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
Poker Face!