Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar? He ordered everyone around.
GG Miller
@ggmiller
If you're feeling depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution.
What's a zebra? A couple sizes bigger than an A.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
Summer wasn't too bad either.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it's the "R," but it's really the "C."
What do pigs use to clean up? Hogwash.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
What kind of bug can tell time? A clock-roach.
How can you tell when a comic passes gas? Something smells funny.
What should you do to prevent dry skin? Use a towel.
What do you give the dentist of the year? A little plaque.
Why did the computer go to bed?
It needed to crash.
What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault!
How do you cook an alligator? With a croc-pot.
How do mice floss their teeth? With string cheese.
Why did the computer catch cold?
It left a window open.
What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a lemon? Now it's a sourpuss.
How do you get a squirrel's attention? Act like a nut.
Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.