What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.
GG Miller
If you're that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution.
Did you hear about the woman who couldn't stop collecting magazines? She had issues.
I wanted to take a bath, but decided to leave it where it is.
Once I read a book about glue.
I couldn't put it down.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale?
It comes with no strings attached.
Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar? He ordered everyone around.
What's a zebra? A couple sizes bigger than an A.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
Summer wasn't too bad either.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it's the "R," but it's really the "C."
What do pigs use to clean up? Hogwash.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
What kind of bug can tell time? A clock-roach.
How can you tell when a comic passes gas? Something smells funny.
What should you do to prevent dry skin? Use a towel.
What do you give the dentist of the year? A little plaque.
Why did the computer go to bed?
It needed to crash.
What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault!
How do you cook an alligator? With a croc-pot.