The jokes
What's the difference between an American and a computer?
Americans don't have trouble shooting!
What’s the difference between a retard and a zombie? Nothing much, they both dribble, moan, are hungry, walk weirdly, and it takes a bullet in the head to put them both down.
Why was the belt arrested?
It held up a pair of pants.
Why didn't the dog want to play football??
'Cause he was a boxer!
What is the similarity between depressed people and hoodies?
The color black.
Not even the FBI knows where an orphan's parents are.
Hello my fellow Canadians, I mean Americans. I, your cool and hip president, has decided to give everyone free ice cream! Even the Russians. Go out to your local ice cream shop and make sure to leave your kids at home!
The "f" on orphan stands for family.
What's the difference between an orphan and a vegetable?
The vegetable gets picked.
How is the business in Ukraine? It's booming.
What’s the worst part of a vegetable?
A wheelchair.
What's the difference between China and New York City?
In China, the Asians ride ON the trains. In New York City, they usually end up riding UNDER them.
What's the difference between a dead baby in my trash can and a discarded sex toy?
...
I'm still trying to think of an answer.
Why can't Jesus walk on water anymore?
For the same reason a ship won't stay afloat with holes in the bottom.
Did you hear that nursing homes keep returning the new Paul Walkers?
They let the elderly move fast, but then burst into flames and burn the patients alive.
Say what you want about Paul Walker, but he was a smart guy.
You can tell by the quantity of brain matter on his dashboard.
Me to an orphan: If you had a penny for everyone who loved you, I don't think you'd have any.
The orphan: But why?
Me: Because if someone loved you, they wouldn't have thrown you out.
My mom is telling me to get off Friday Night Funkin' or she will slam my head against the keyboard: weherhrqqkh[qokqho[krq3[t4i2-4q43q343q44334q43.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?
I think they just hacked the "chrime."
When the ugliest cat looked at you, then you search up the ugliest thing in the world, you show up.