The jokes
Mom: “Guess where I’m taking you, son!”
Son: “To the playground?”
Mom: “No, to the morgue.”
Why was Hitler broke?
The gas prices are outrageous.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because his wife changed the Wi-Fi password.
What’s the difference between your wife and a light switch?
I don’t turn on a light switch.
What do emos and the Lorax have in common?
They both hang with trees.
One day, I was walking through a park when I realized it was crowded.
To this day, I still don't know who let the children out of my basement.
Why were the baker's hands brown?
Because he was kneading a poop.
Yo mama so fat, she took both sides of the family.
Why are the people that get your order at restaurants called waiters? They don't wait for the food; we wait for the food. They should be called "note takers." They take notes for food.
Jump in the Cadillac. (Girl, let's put some miles on it.) Anything you want. (Just to put a smile on it.) You deserve it, baby, you deserve it all, And I'm gonna give it to you. Gold jewelry shining so bright, Strawberry champagne on ice, Lucky for you, that's what I like, that's what I like. Lucky for you, that's what I like, that's what I like.
-Tommyinnit
"Jump in the Cadillac, girl, let's put some miles on it."
What did the evil chicken lay?
Deviled egg.
When you ask your mom for candy but you grab from the wrong drawer...
Daughter: Mommy?
Mom: Hey.
Daughter: What kind of kids do they use to make Sour Patch Kids?
Mom: They don’t use kids to make Sour Patch Kids.
Daughter: Oh, that’s why the ones I made taste kind of funny...
One day, a lady and her husband were talking and it was time for dinner. He got up and sat at the dining room table, and the lady brought the plate of food in and she sat it down in front of him. "What's this?" he said. The lady said, "A piece of shit...honey! Want some water to drink?"
What did the pirate say when he saw a ghost? He said, "Oh my God, it's me dead parrot!"
Did you hear the passengers on the Titanic invited Yo Momma and the Titanic crew said, "Man overboard!"
Why were the Twin Towers mad?
They ordered pepperoni and got plane.
One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.
Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.
What day is Labor Day?
It's the day mommies have their babies.