The jokes
The kids at Robb Elementary School went in to read books. Instead, they got dozens of magazines.
Why are school shootings branded “very American”?
1. They usually happen in the USA.
2. They’re like the Fourth of July: there’s a lot of loud banging and kids screaming.
Why don't orphans like Russia and Germany?
Because it's the Mother and Father Land.
What's a suicidal person's favorite drink?
The depressay expressay.
Just kidding, bleach!
The "P" in Batman stands for parents.
When men watch football but not the women's version maybe there.
Why did the orphan cross the road?
Because his parents couldn’t help him out!
What is long and black? The line at Popeyes.
Why did your parents abandon you?
Because the first thing you dad said to be was; "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WIFE."
So one time I had a dream where I was on a road trip and we drove a golf cart and a Susan, which I don’t know why the heck the name of the car was called a Susan.
We went into this house and there was like a woman there and we went into this bathroom which looked like a public bathroom, which was so weird!
Did you hear about the emo kid who auditioned for the school play?
He made the cut.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they all sit in the dark.
Why was the orphan's first phone an XR?
Because it had no home button.
What was the last hat Princess Diana wore?
A bonnet.
What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?
Only one of them gets picked...
The terrorists got a killstreak of 2,996; they are popping off, bro.
What’s the comparison of an emo and a highlighter?
You can pop their head off.
"9/11 was not funny; it was plane wrong because my dad was the best fucking pilot in Jeddah."
9/11 pilots are the best readers.
They went through 30 stories in less than an hour.
Q. What's the best part about 28 year olds?
A. There's 20 of them!