The jokes

"In chess, a queen can move in more directions than the king."

I mean, yeah, the chessboard looks like a kitchen floor, so-

Friend: Stop with the self harm jokes, they're not funny.

Me: It's not that deep. I'll cut it out.

People say my dad left me and was never successful, but if you search up who destroyed the Twin Towers, he will pop up.

Also, my mom's great grandpa killed Hitler.

Why are the Twin Towers mad?

They ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plane.

I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.

Doctor: Oh, I see.

Me: Ahhhh!!!!!

Obama, Trump, and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and is going down.

Obama: "This is terrible! We've got to do something -- save the women and children!"

Trump: "Screw the women and children!"

Clinton: "Do you think we have time...?"

Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter? Pretty nuts!

Why can’t mental hospitals have Halloween?

Because the patients thought the pumpkins were them. I tried.

I got a PS5 for my nine-year-old sister. At the time, I thought it was the best trade I’d ever made. But now I’m regretting not being able to molest her anymore.

The 9/11 and the Spanish flu are kind of similar.

The Spanish flu was a very dangerous flu, and in 9/11, something very dangerous flew.

Pick a number, syckkkkkkk, that’s the wrong number.

Yo mum's so dumb, she went to the library to find Facebook.

Your mom is so fat that when she went on the scale, it said, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"

Your mom is so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he asked your mom to move out of the way.

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

What's the only gun that doesn't exist in Africa? The water gun.

Why did the orphan go to church?

Because they need a father.

I'm not saying you're ugly, but you're the reason God created miscarriages!

Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"

Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."

Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"

Dad: "That isn't the remote."

*Weird background music*

Women are like towers, the man wants to bang them both.