The jokes

I was going to tell my dad a joke, but he still hasn't come back with the milk yet.

Why couldn't the orphan watch Spiderman? He couldn't find his way home.

Why did the cheetah get kicked out of poker?

'Cause he was a cheetah.

Why did the cheetah get sad?

'Cause it didn't have any balls to suck.

My brother apparently has this thing called "asthma". Anyway, I took his vape away today, and he was lying on the floor gasping for air, lol. He must really be addicted to it.

"In chess, a queen can move in more directions than the king."

I mean, yeah, the chessboard looks like a kitchen floor, so-

Friend: Stop with the self harm jokes, they're not funny.

Me: It's not that deep. I'll cut it out.

People say my dad left me and was never successful, but if you search up who destroyed the Twin Towers, he will pop up.

Also, my mom's great grandpa killed Hitler.

Why are the Twin Towers mad?

They ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plane.

I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.

Doctor: Oh, I see.

Me: Ahhhh!!!!!

Obama, Trump, and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and is going down.

Obama: "This is terrible! We've got to do something -- save the women and children!"

Trump: "Screw the women and children!"

Clinton: "Do you think we have time...?"

Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter? Pretty nuts!

Why can’t mental hospitals have Halloween?

Because the patients thought the pumpkins were them. I tried.

I got a PS5 for my nine-year-old sister. At the time, I thought it was the best trade I’d ever made. But now I’m regretting not being able to molest her anymore.

The 9/11 and the Spanish flu are kind of similar.

The Spanish flu was a very dangerous flu, and in 9/11, something very dangerous flew.

Pick a number, syckkkkkkk, that’s the wrong number.

Yo mum's so dumb, she went to the library to find Facebook.

Your mom is so fat that when she went on the scale, it said, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"

Your mom is so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he asked your mom to move out of the way.

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.