The jokes

Why did the rooster cross the road?

To Cock-A-Doodle Die. Now you have a rooster pancake. My favorite. ^^

Did you hear about the bad joke? No? It hasn't been made up yet. HAHAHAHAHAHA

Why did the chicken cross the road? To cock-a-doodle die...

SOOOO my sister said her first bad word yesterday. "Shit." My mum was like, "What did you just say, child?"

Sister: "I said the cat shits inside like the dog shi- uh oh......"

Now I've avoided this stuff by making my own word: Sugarplum. Sugarplum = shit...

My sister made some pie, and it tasted horribly... so I said this.... "This pie is very sugarplum-y." She said, "What do you mean by that?" I said, "It tastes like sugarplums..."

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They stuck a plunger down the toilet.

What's the difference between a priest and SpongeBob?

SpongeBob asks if you're ready first.

Your hairline is so far back my grandpa said he had a glimpse of it in the 1960s.

Your hairline legit looks like the Himalayan mountain range, except you need binoculars to find it.

When I dunk my cookies in milk, I think of you. I hold them down until the bubbles stop.

Why can't the USA and England play chess?

USA has no towers and England has no queen.

How are this joke and the kid with cancer alike?

It never gets old.

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.

He said it was the most violent book he ever read.

Two guys were beating up someone in an alley, so I stepped in to help.

He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.

Your hairline looks like it got burnt in the Civil War.

I would tell you a joke about meat, but the stakes are too high.

What is the difference between a Walking Dead and you? He doesn't feel pain.

Thanks to the voice who keeps telling me to let go,

he is my only motivation for trying again.

Teacher: "Hey, James, this is the third time I asked you a question!"

James: "But you told me not to answer you back!"

Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?

Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.