The jokes
I have fuck and sex with all the sexy naked ladies and they suck my balls (penis), but you ain't have no girlfriend. Your only friend, they call him ching chong coz of your hairline.
Guy: Hey, Siri, I failed my final exams, can you cheer me up?
Siri: What’s the difference between you and your grandma? Your grandma passed!
Three Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them, and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand.
The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him.
The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy, so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied, "It didn't tickle at all. I laughed at the sight [of] the third guy was bringing over a pineapple."
The little camel asks his mother: "Mum, why do we have these big humps?"
"Because in these humps there is some water, and in the hot desert we can drink."
"And Mum, why do we have this large fur?"
"Because the desert at night is so cold, and then we don’t feel cold."
"And Mum, why do we got these big hoofs?"
"Because the desert sand is hot, and the hoofs save us from the hot sand."
"But Mum, what the fuck are we doing here in the national zoo?"
I put the fun in funeral.
The Twin Towers are like Jenga; you yell "towers falling!"
What can you do if you can't bear sharing the same blood as your father who raped you?
Have a blood transfusion.
Yesterday I got detention because I said to the emo kid, "Come hang with us."
Shout out to the terrorists, your year is starting off with a bang!
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for hours.
Light the man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Man: How tall is a penguin?
Bartender: About three foot, why?
Man: Oh shit, the Bible-bashing nuns! I fucking hit one!
Poor car.
Today I asked my phone, Siri, why am I still single?
And I activated the front camera! 😭😭😭😭😭
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.
"Are you getting the knife?"
Bob the builder.
What did the racist Catholic priest say?
"Martin Luther? Not my king!"
I asked the Titanic an icebreaker question.
It couldn't answer.
What did the fork say to the spoon?
Nothing, forks don’t speak, silly!
Do you know about the new movie Disney made just for cancer kids? It's called Finding Kemo.
Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person.
"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945.